Dramatic Announcements intercepted by Douglas Gilbert
Brief Statement By Pinocchio
It is ‘intuitively obvious to even the most casual observer’ that most prices are down and everyone has bread. The crime rate is very low and only a few thieves steal brioche (“Qu’ils mangent de la brioche”). Therefore, Pinocchio endorses Dr. Linguistics for President and Dr. Sisyphus for Vice President of The United States of Pleasure Island, and Jiminy Grasshopper will be Chief-of-Staff. The Blue Fairy has wisely reanimated these stellar puppets for Geppetto.
Introduction from Dr. Linguistics
I protest! I detest the misuse and bastardization of the English language. I am not in “cognitive decline”; I am Senile. Do not mind-shame. No one is a fat head.
Declination Is A Serious Problem When Rolling A Heavy Boulder Uphill
My friend Sisyphus has retired to Boulder, Colorado to study Dork & Minty who are space cadets of mixed species. He, like me, was a Linguistics professor until he was forced to retire. Dr. Sisyphus always believed that it is imperative to learn English well in standard form first before we can enjoy mockery and satire. Well placed incoherence can be charming, but often it is misunderstood. Below, my dear friend Dr. Corey explains the placement of the prefix “in” in incoherence and the value of redundancy. Dr. Sisyphus and I will be running for higher office. [No, not God]. Caveat discipulus. Spending years in school to become a professor is admirable.
My Dear Colleague Professor Irwin Corey
I am running for President, and Dr. Sisyphus is running for Vice
We have been chosen as the candidates for the Dark Matter Party. I will stand forth, and Dr. Sisyphus will be in charge of influence peddling and bicycle tours for balance and valence. Famously, Dr. Sisyphus has said, “Gravity is of utmost importance in the establishment of gravitas.”
To provide for equity and off-balance fairness, we will choose half our cabinet from nursing homes in underserved states-of-consciousness
There’s a new sheriff in town. Inn justice will prevail. The saloon is the salon.
We will be doing most policy by song title. Apropos of the expression, “schools out for Summer, schools out forever,” all children of the pandemic era who are not up to grade level or have looted a store, will be expelled from school to work on solar-panel plantations.
We will hold daily news conferences to tell apocryphal stories. Transcripts of new Aesop’s Fables will be provided as well as transparent emails written on clear plastic. Abstract paintings of foreign leaders will be for sale.
The Dr. Linguistics — Sisyphus Platform
We the candidates of constructive buffoonery of the noble type, in order to establish a more perfect bureaucracy, establish Inn justice, insure tacit tranquility, provide for the uncommon offense, promote the quelling, and secure the blessings of taking liberties for ourselves and our family, do ordain and establish this platitudinous constitution of our governance of ideas. We are the demigods of our peers.
The Tariff Account
My father who art in heaven was a Union Man and he said everything should be “made in America” and he drove a truck through the corn fields and he said, “Son, you have to be corny to make a living.” Yeah, fair wages for the working guy! Those steel mills were tough — they had to smelt with the coke. And those guys had their Coca-Cola when it still had some cocaine like cough syrup. But they weren’t syrupy guys, they were tough.
So to protect our country from foreign dumping of goods, we will impose high tariffs. We shall establish the President’s personal “Tariff bank account.” All tariffs collected from foreign trade will be deposited in the President’s personal bank account so that he can ensure that Cabinet members will not be homeless.
The Right of the Dead to Vote In All Elections
It is unfortunate that the recently deceased have not been given the opportunity to vote just because they may have suffered a heart attack right before election day or before they could fill-in a mail-in ballot.
To remedy this injustice, we will place certified psychics at every polling station. There will be a dark séance room where the dearly departed will tell the psychic how they wish to vote and a blank ballot will be filled in on behalf of the dead voter.
Fixing Mail-in Ballots That Are Blank Or Smudged
ChatGPT will determine the consensus of careless voters’ preferences and will fill in all blank ballots with a weighed average for the Dark Matter Party. If there is a dispute, all ballots will be burned, and new ballots pre-printed with votes for the Dark Matter Party will be entered into the official vote.
In case of a tie, after a coin-toss, one candidate will be executed.
Conclusion
Please go to our soak-the-rich spider web and donate now, now. We have the best stage whisper in the old-fashioned intellectual salon of democracy. Rise up.
Last, of course, as always,
May the source of happiness and love be with you when the blues won’t soothe, and remember “Don’t drink the Kool-aid and eat the Fauci Lasagna* “* A Fauci Lasagna is a layered presentation of lies, obfuscations, and prevarications to cover-up the money laundering needed to continue supplying money for gain-of-function research. Sometimes the presentation hides responsibility for genocide when a Wuhan virus is produced.
Poetry and Stuff 