Fat January (Draft 1)

Fat January

Vowing to lose weight for the new year
she hired the whipping cream boy
who she found curled up in the street

Unlike the physical trainer, he
doesn’t charge much, spouts
a little poetry and conversation

just demands to follow along
to her every breakfast,
lunch, and dinner

And upon demand
he eats off her plate

takes her desserts away
sticks his fork and knife
into her every oversized meal
but she orders her usual indulgence
and he is so hungry to talk that
he’ll eat what she can’t resist
and let her feel saintly to help the beggar

but she upgrades his wardrobe
so he can escort her to every dinner.

Actually she loves his conversation
and his charm resolves itself into
a love of life and her

but with a kiss
her prince of the gutter
with a beautiful, grateful smile
dies of a heart attack.

— Douglas Gilbert


A Sample of Santa Claus (Draft 1)

A Sample of Santa Claus

Mommy works in a forensic lab
but I’m so sad she let me leave
cookies and milk for Santa to retrieve

Mommy’s known in a forensic lab
but I’m a moan to her gabbing friends

Why I’m upset:
Left cookies and milk
and my detective set

Mommy works in a forensic lab
but I’m so sad

Her friends from work
came to our Christmas party
said I was cute, and I am so sorry

I became a school-project pest
asked her friend to do a test

Thought it was cute that
I had saliva and hair for her,
and she took it for real
to the lab with zeal

Mommy paces in a forensic lab
and I’m disgraced by DNA traces

Mitochondrial is human
nuclear is hominid hidden

Mom’s friend has submitted a paper
and her peers in a pear tree will reveal
on the last day of Christmas thus
what true love is or is not

and if they can let it be published
I will cry because the world will know
Santa and Daddy are Big Foot.

— Douglas Gilbert

The End of the World (Draft 1)

The End of the World (Draft 1)

An ice cream volcano in Iceland erupted.
Nobody knows why, but hordes
brought spoons and whipped cream

The confectionery state went bankrupt
and free ice cream rules, but everyone
fears the beans of the vanilla, fears
the seeds of the strawberry and
a new flavor with swirls and sprinkles

Unidentified flying cows have been seen
their moo’s seeming mournfully sung but
when guffaws blow out of ice cream cones
the walls fall on blueberry fields and
pistachios are unshelled

— Douglas Gilbert

Poems About Santa Claus


by “Diane”

Pass the buck;
it’s good luck. Let me
keep him from
the venison lovers, and
from Santa Claus
’cause I heard he
works them too hard,
even rumors there are
antlers over the fireplace
at the North Pole retreat

I will treat him
to the gifted forest
where the antelope
are fed their just cantaloupe
and melon collie dogs
bark a lark
Mrs. Claus Hates Sonnets

Santa Claus left her
a sonnet to read:

The romp of love beguiles, a playful horse
my heart a rider gripping spirit’s trip
a bit of banter falls from saddled lips.
A candor canters, musical in source
a clip-clop hoofing it, my fruit is tossed.
Her lust is cantaloupes so sweetly quipped
yet love’s a cherry deeply red of lip
outspoken rips in bound’ries’ gorgeous loss

I know you love me mole and mountain bluff.
I show my cards, won’t raise to bluff a love.
It’s real this deal of sharing zeal, a bliss
no gamble oneness riding thought enough
to join two souls, a coup by doves
who fly with coos to play the music’s kiss

Mrs. Claus hated his bluff —
rarely did she see
his cherry lips or cheeks

She could play
with farce no more, for
the fantasy wishes
in unlabeled boxes
would not suffice
for Mrs. Claus who
wrote free verse
while Santa was busy

Santa answered
delightful letters
from giddy children, but

she received letters
of rejection from the
poetry editor,
a trochee donkey
iambic like an ass

Mrs. Claus hated when the big one
went away on Christmas,
when the snow looked like
semen dried up and flaky,
his departing stomach
like a pregnant indulgence
she could only wish for

Finally, one Christmas
when no more
could she count the
melting snow flakes on her tongue,
count the elves, the reindeer,
the orphan toys, her emptiness
overtook her sanity, and
she took an empty sleigh
to drive into the city of sin,
her naked body wrapped only
in a fur coat, a pocket
for her Santa cell phone

She left the sleigh,
tied the reindeer to a lamp pole,
strolled the streets showing a leg,
singing “Ho, ha, ha”; Heaven’s
white tears covered her head as
she peered into loneliness
waiting for a finger of love, but
she spied a lost little girl

She hoo, ha, ha’ed the girl
’till the crying subsided,
asked her name
found a Lisa

“Where’s your Daddy?”
She didn’t know,
said he went for a quickie walk

She would look to find him as
the snow thickened, her head covered
with a white crown of sorrow. Lisa skipped
and jumped close behind her like
a newly born calf not
straying too far, waiting for an available tit

Mrs. Claus walked, showing a leg. A man
appeared from nowhere, laid
his hand on her thigh
like a roadway, followed the path

Eventually he noticed
her glistening tears. Looking
in her eyes, saw
he knew her
once before

Just then, the
Santa cell phone rang.
The Elf Secret Service said,
there’s been a sleigh crash, and
Santa is dead.

The world was wrapped in gloom
as Mrs. Claus
brushed snow from her head

Joy fell from artificial boons
and wrappers filled the ocean

With a poof
unreal gifts
vanished in a twinkle,
elves all banished
to a realm of puff

Starlight appeared
on Lisa’s tears,
a word on innocent lips:
“Can we all be married, Daddy?”

With a ho, ho, ha
and a ho, ho, ho
they vowed to
do better with love
to listen to snow
gust up and swirl,
to see a gift like a crystal
had already been born

— Douglas Gilbert

Historic News Again From NASA (Draft 1)

Historic News Again From NASA (Draft 1)

Gather all ye sheep
there’s Historic news

Oh come ye
to the News Conference;
our NASA boy on Mars speaks:

Well, of course.
Two kinds of methane,
perchlorates, a glitch,
a few fossils, and
there’s a wolf on Mars

Historic News again from NASA.
Please do not cry —
You’re not understanding the data

Dr. Wolf in
sheep-skin coat of many colors
will explain:

On Mars,
I’ve written a secret book.

And now
let us praise ourselves.

Historic News again from NASA,
please do not cry —
you’re not understanding the data
capitalized with contamination

One small step for James Wolf,
one giant leap for James Bond

— Douglas Gilbert

Prose: ” IRANIAN DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE ” : A paraphrase and transmutation of an old document for a different place


OK, apparently, someone was searching for this prose entry. The search terms that they used don’t seem to work, so I’m re-posting it. If you read the FULL “American Declaration of Independence” and not just the famous quotes, it’s very idiosyncratic and linked to issues of those times when it was written. The references to “the merciless Indian savages” are now embarrassing so no one actually reads the full document. So anyway, I tried to imagine how it would look in a modern context in a different place with different local issues. I tried to imagine how such a document would be written in Iran.

     Whereas, the present Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei in his evil endeavors has a history of repeated injuries and usurpations against the people, the people are absolved from allegiance to this tyrant and to his Guardian Council.
     The people of Iran in consanguinity with Mohammed are the voice of justice protected by Divine Providence.
     When it is shown that a leader is possessed by Demons of unreason and treachery, it is the duty of the people to rebel and declare their rights under Allah.
     In evidence of his evil, we list the crimes of his regime, and declare our independence from his tyranny.
     In every stage of his oppression, we have petitioned, in the most humble terms, but to no avail.
     He has excited domestic insurrections by our militia children, merciless Basiji savages whose only rule of warfare is the destruction of all ages and sexes by any means most terrible.
     He has called together legislative bodies at secret locations for the sole purpose of oppressing the people with ominous and obscure laws that fatigue them into compliance.
     He has dissolved meetings repeatedly for opposing in good conscience his invasions on the human rights of the people.
     He has obstructed the administration of justice by refusing his assent to laws for establishing an independent judiciary.
     He has erected a multitude of offensive agents, and sent hither swarms of officers, to harass our people and seize their property.
     He has affected to render the Revolutionary Guard independent of, and superior to, any elected civil power, or any powers reserved for the people.
     He has sent militias and armed vigilantes into our homes to destroy property and murder our people, but yet the Ayatollah protects the militias and vigilantes from punishment, he, himself, complicit in their vile crimes and murders.
     He is, at this time, transporting large militias, secret police, and other unidentified agents to complete the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun, with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.
      Whereas, we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men and women are created equal; that they are endowed by Allah with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
     Whereas, crimes against humanity have been committed in the name of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, his Guardian Council, and compliant clerics, we the people by the authority of Allah, do declare the following:
       Henceforth, any clergy following the dictates, directly or indirectly, of the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Leader, whether by complicity with evil elements of the Basiji, Revolutionary Guards, or Army, or by silence, and who shall not follow the path of peace, laying down their arms, in command or in weaponry, shall be subject to exile or execution by the Nascent Sea of Green forming by God’s will, witnessed by the world in Revelation.
     Peace be with you. God is Great.

— Douglas Gilbert