My Fair Particle

My Fair Particle

Just you wait, Professor Higgs, just you wait!
it’ll be 125 or 126 years and then too late.
You’ll be profound, and I’ll be weighty;
Will I help you? Don’t think vainly!
Just you wait, Peter ‘iggs Sir, just you wait!

Just you wait, Peter ‘iggs Sir, till conCERNed,
and you disCERN the field or go quick off to mass
I’ll be gone a prayer second later and won’t even tip the waiter
Oh ho ho, Santa ‘iggs Sir, just you wait!

Ooooooh ‘eter ‘iggs Sir!
Just you wait when swimmin’ in the ether fine!
Ooooooh ‘eter ‘iggs Sir!
and you glitch in particle splash not far from me!

If you feel you’ll drown in soup I’ll get dressed
and reveal dark towns! Oh ho ho, ‘eter ‘iggs Sir!
Oh ho ho, ‘eter ‘iggs Sir! Just you wait!

One day I’ll be notorious! I’ll be complex and so dim;
Go to St. CERN so frequent I’ll name him Gadzooks!
One evening the queen will say:
“Oh, Boson, odd thing,
I command all the world your strangeness to sing.
Next week on the 4th of July
I proclaim Higgs Boson’s dark Day!
All the masses will tango in the dance of you
And in whatever demand you tangle me in I will do.”

“Merci beaucoup, Queeny” says I, with dark manners said;
But all me wants is ‘eters ‘iggs Sir’s ‘ead!”
“Let it be,” says the Queen like a joke.
“Guards, fetch and carry in the bloke!”
Then they’ll parade you, ‘eter ‘iggs Sir to the wall;
And the Queen’ll whisper darkly, “Boson, sound the call.”
As they charge their magnets higher, I’ll yell:
“Ready! Aim! Fire!”
Oh ho ho, ‘eter ‘iggs Sir,
astounded, ‘eter ‘iggs Sir!
Just you wait!

— Douglas Gilbert

Spelling, Large Hadron Collider Promises Me Death In October

(I spelled “Hadron” wrong in my original posting. I don’t know how this started, but the wrong spelling is all over the net.

    I thought maybe I did it, but I see earlier references to it. {spoiler}: doomsday is not going to happen — cosmic rays are much more powerful and have put more energy than the collider into a small space and nothing catastrophic has happened.)

Alone in death
not pleasant

but they said
we’d die together
not alone,
no fault of mine

Someone strung me along
talked of CERNities,
flying away with
Higgs bosons, and
the gravity of it all

Prepared a last meal,
mashed potatoes
smashing protons

But hysteria was wrong.

No mashed potatoes
smashing protons

I die alone
with my bad spelling
—- Douglas Gilbert
(Henry Le Châtelier)