THE LANGUAGE POLICE ATTACK MY BAKERY AND WE FIRE BACK by Monica Zir
We target New York for tarts and prune danishes. It is in our cross hairs. People kill for our tarts. They always have. We are not going to stop now. We have a map showing which cities are in our cross hairs for cupcakes. When we take aim at a vulnerable district, we fire up the ovens, and shoot our cakes out to Federal Express. We need no permit to speak and the recession is not our fault because our soufflés do not cause inflation.
We have the right to bear the arms of metaphors, to bear flour, and we always put tight-fitting lids on our garbage cans to stop bears from rummaging; be reassured: when we get a proper permit we shoot them dead very carefully.
Man does not live by gun alone. Sometimes he needs a muffin and rye bread with pastrami. We target his needs. He is in our banana cream pie crosshairs and we aim our recipes and fire up the ovens. We kill. No one can resist our banana cream pie. We confabulate for peace, justice, and a piece of the America way, able to leap tall edifices of censorship in a single bound, and we, Superbakery, fight a never ending battle for truth, justice, and apple pie.
— Monica Zir