If You’re Going Off (Revised) (R8+ )

If Your Going Off (Revised)

If You’re Going Off

Have you flown on
like a feather in a whisper?
Maybe you’ve gone off.

But you can’t go off without me
’cause don’t we always go off together

Don’t we go wild together
celebrate the unity laugh
fall onto a stunt mattress

If you’ve gone away,
if you’ve gone astray

tell me that you’ll be careful
remember we’re substantial
in silly ways with safety nets

Stunt woman,
if you’ve gone to seek a beach,
take the care road to the shells
and toe in the water to

listen for an ocean sound, but
if there’d be rain, let it be musical:
a pitter-clap and applause.

If be there sun
let it not burn though

if there be fog
let the fog horn be
triumphant like a fanfare, but

I’m not sure what do about the grasshoppers —
maybe chocolate.
(not sure if grasshoppers like chocolate)

For every whisper, a breeze;
for every breeze, a sail;
for every sail, a ship;
for every ship, a destination.

For a destination
me and a tickle,
and a last jump, because

I don’t want you to fall
into anyone but me
when I’m real soft and cushy

— Douglas Gilbert

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3 thoughts on “If You’re Going Off (Revised) (R8+ )

  1. I love all the changes…I went back and compared the two poems again. I like the new beginning “Have you flown on like a feather in a whisper?” sounds really pretty, i think it’s the f’s and the ‘er’ sounds together, but it has a soft floaty feathery feel to it. I don’t wanna go off without you! (although a beach sounds nice…wish i had the money to take another trip). Falling onto a stunt mattress with you sounds fun. I still love the grasshoppers and the chocolate, it made me giggle. I like how you connected the whisper to the breeze, i’ve always thought whispers were like a soft windy way of speaking. I also love the new ending…

    1. Holy cow, that related thing helped because I wasn’t sure what the first draft was. I had forgotten how much you helped me make this poem grow. It is so nice to drift through feelings and just expand a poem in any direction — I don’t think I could just compose it in an analytical way. And then even after it’s done I could use that feeling base and just add a few little quirks. When I first started, I don’t think I would ever have thought to go in odd directions. I look through the drafts and comments and I see how much you are an inspiration. No need to blush but I just like to talk willy nilly sometimes and it helps when I can talk without apparent purpose. Oh, I hope you know I mean that in a positive way — it’s hard to know what the tone of written text is…. gee, I wonder what happens when kids who are totally text connected meet in person — it must be often disappointing….

      1. Oops i only looked at draft 1 in my comparison of drafts. I just went and looked at the other version of Going Off and i realize the feather in a whisper was already in your other revised draft and i’d already commented on that addition. Oh well…i guess that just means I like it even more than i thought i did since i commented on that line twice. I guess i just like what i like and there’s no changing that, huh? Thank you – you are an inspiration too, I probably wouldn’t write anything at all anymore without you. I don’t know about disappointing, i think being text connected creates a stronger, different type of mental bond that isn’t even available in the other types of relationships that come about from average day to day meetings…

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