Waiting in the Pool (Draft 3)

Waiting In The Pool

Sparkling water sounded off to me
like a word from her gentle soft voice, but it
was merely the stroke in water
that propelled the glistening, and
I heard the crystal sparkle sound
that’s a stoke of silence when
too early is the splash of multi-irrelevance

but the flow of my body felt gentle,
a splash in an empty early pool

and I imagined that sunrises bring surprises
like hearing her ask the sun to yawn.

Sparkling water sounded off to me again
like a word from her voice
this time louder, an emergent hi, and

when she swam right under me
to look up from under my water,
I was so hard and embarrassed that

I could not leave the pool,
until the size of my bathing suit
had shrunken, just in case,
there’d be other early risers

Perhaps, it would have been better if
she had attacked me like a shark,
just for the sake of bystanders,
because if they’d scream and leave

I wouldn’t need to stand in shallow water
waiting while she smiled at edge of pool,
I, waiting for enough modesty to leave the water
not thinking of things to do and we could just be
right there at a moment where
the sun and many things would rise.

— Douglas Gilbert

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4 thoughts on “Waiting in the Pool (Draft 3)

  1. Oh phooey, I don’t know why I’m in the awkward mood — I was supposed to run off some smooth thing and it still has bumps. Oh geez, it’s worse and better… I suppose it better to try again… or not…

    1. In the awkward mood (you made me giggle) I get in that type of mood sometimes…but I think the changes are good, they do sound smoother, they weren’t noticeably awkward to me. I really like the addition of “gentle soft voice” and all the other changes in the 1st stanza and i like how you incorporated the sense of hearing in through the rest of the poem…like the “hearing her ask the sun to yawn.” and the “emergent hi” and the “water sounded off”…even ‘stoke of silence’ plays with hearing in a way, good idea. I still giggled at the shark attack…but my favorite is still the ending lines “we could just be right there at a moment where the sun and many things would rise.” yeah, that’s lovely…ok, on that note i’m going to go jump into bed, i’m getting tired.

      1. Thanks very much. I’m glad you liked “stoke of silence” because it was a typo ( I meant stroke) but I looked up “stoke” and thought about it and I like it. It’s serendipitous — maybe now I’ll start to be comfortable with “serendipity” — I’ve had a problem understanding that and “irony”. It’s just odd but it’s almost as if I’ve had a tiny tiny mini-stroke that just effects a part of the brain that deals with “serendipity” and “irony”. So I’m fine with the rest of the billions of words. Oh, maybe, “stroke of silence” would have been very bad because instead of thinking swimming stroke readers would be thinking brain stroke — oh so stoke was actually a better choice; hmm, my subconscious wanted me to misspell and I had been reading that book where they used the difficulties of stroke victims to tell them what different parts of the brain do. When different parts of the brain were destroyed they could deduce what those parts did by observing what functions were interfered with.

  2. I do like it, it made me think of stoking the fire, except your poem is very watery and summery feeling but sometimes thoughts can spread like fire and silence often leads to thinking more, especially those thoughts that make you excited and hot like…ummm well never mind. I’ll stop there…(giggling) i think you know what i mean. I think ‘stoke of silence’ works well (and so does your subconscious apparently) but if you wanted to change it i think it’d sound good the other way too. I’ve always had trouble understanding irony very well. It seems like every time it comes up i have to look up the meaning and trying to re-understand it. The brain is very complicated…i just watched some movie called 50 First Dates. It’s a romantic comedy type movie. But the girl was in a wreck and would wake up every day forgetting what happened the day before. She had no short term memory because of her brain damage and only remembered things that happened before the wreck so every day the guy makes her fall in love with him all over again…that would be quite the dilemma.

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