Waiting In The Pool (Draft 2)

Waiting In The Pool (Draft 2)

Sparkling water sounded off to me as I swam,
a sound better than Champagne because it was my
stroke in the water that propelled the glistening, and
I heard the crystal sparkle sound as I cut through the water

It was the early empty pool
the flow of my body felt gentle,

sunrise could bring surprises,
because you had been sleeping
just as the sun was about to yawn

and when you swam under me
and looked up from under water,
I was so hard and embarrassed that

I could not leave the pool,
until the size of my bathing suit
had shrunken, just in case
there would be other early risers

Perhaps, it would have been better if
you had attacked me like a shark,
just for the sake of the bystanders,
because after they screamed and left

I wouldn’t need to stand in shallow water
waiting while you smiled at the edge of the pool
I, waiting for enough modesty to leave the water
not thinking of things to do and we could just be
right there at a moment where
the sun and many things can rise.

— Douglas Gilbert

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2 thoughts on “Waiting In The Pool (Draft 2)

  1. I like all of your changes. I like the way ‘crystal sparkle sound’ and ‘sunrise could bring surprises’ sound a lot and i liked picturing the sun about to yawn. The screaming bystanders made me giggle, i suppose i’m going too have to practice my shark attack, hehe…i love the ending stanza, especially the last couple lines…

    1. Thanks. I guess the ideas are OK but it’s gotten kind of awkward and the rhythm is haywire. Maybe I can fix it or go back to the original and just fix little things and not get carried away… I guess I’ll just have to put this aside for awhile… doesn’t seem right… Oh well, I think the original is OK.

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