A Small Understanding

A Small Understanding

Oh God I am dying
Oh God I am sighing
but let no one misunderstand
my colloquial use
of useless anthropomorphic nonsense:
it’s really just that God is my God who would
understand me completely
and know that I have tried
to love her who would listen
as if I mattered, as if I could save her

because there is a tiny little something
that only I know when I speak to her in particular

a little secret just for her, something He has
I imagine, entrusted to me to give to her
as if I mattered
as if I were someone, and

if I were holy I would love her
because she speaks to me like a song,
and I have always loved the music in my dreams.

Oh God, I know there is a symphony in my heart
that, forgive me, as the creature that I must be,
is a joyful lonely lust that enjoys being heard
as if an ecstasy is just the chatter of love
and I can speak to her
as if the every sound of me
were as cute as I know she is when
she smiles at me, and it
seems to me God hugs us, because
we laugh the giggle symphony
with His or Her baton charming us to
play and dance with the drum of love.

We listen to the throbs of the night
the beats of our songs.

Rain drops chatter
and I fear not thunder
because the lightning is
our percussive being
charged like a love plasma

Oh God I feel like
you know us.
I love us all, and

— Douglas Gilbert


3 thoughts on “A Small Understanding

  1. I love this line: “it’s really just that God is my God who would
    understand me completely” That’s how i’ve always felt. That through all my joys, through all my sadness,or even when i’ve made mistakes that i felt horrible over and was sure i was just a waste of space and breathable air, that God still understood me completely and apparently liked me enough to keep me around for this long. I liked the “lightning is our percussive being”.
    If i have any say at all, i think you matter. I’d love to know the ‘little secret’ too, even if it’s not meant for me…

    1. Thanks. This is a vague kind of poem that just flew out without much thinking. The interjection “Oh God” I guess I was saying (with the little snide description of “anthropomorphic nonsense”) is an exclamation that at any given moment doesn’t necessarily mean a belief in God or at least not belief in the God of the mainstream religions which seems to be the creation of man and not spirit. By the “little something” I meant an unknown thing — I was just thinking that we’re supposed to have a purpose, and I thought that a “purpose” would have to be along the lines of helping or loving someone, but I don’t know that I’ve ever helped anyone in a way that was permanent; there were little things here and there, but nothing much of lasting importance. So I was thinking that if there were a benevolent, intervening God and everyone is supposed to play their part, then there would have to be a place for people of little power or significance, and they would have little jobs or little things to do that in the grand scheme of things would make a difference and would like a chain reaction of good deeds enable bigger things to happen. So this being a vague poem, I don’t know what the “the little secret” is; it would be some insight I’m supposed to give to her that I happen to know as an individual and that sharing would be,even if I’m unaware of it, my assignment from God. The tiny little something helps someone and then they help someone because they feel better about themselves. None of the characters in my poems is exactly one person but I suppose when someone inspires me, a piece of their spirit or insight or inspiration or provocation is in there, but from that starting point it usually runs off in another direction. Hmm, not much of what I have just said here is explicitly in this poem. Maybe I need to add more details or something… or not. I’m kind of tired of it already…

      1. For a long time i was confused about atheists. I remember being a kid and thinking how can they not believe? It just completely baffled me. Then i grew older and became more aware of all the hatred, pain, sadness and all the other horrors that run wild in this world (i see them on the news constantly). It must be hard for a lot of people to believe in such a dreary time. I’ve always known that God was there. I didn’t have to see or have solid scientific proof that i could prove to others. I just know because i feel the existence of that which is so much greater than myself. I don’t even think that my mind is capable of understanding completely that which is God but i know enough to know that there is a God. It isn’t a mainstream religion that taught me to believe, it’s a knowledge i was born with and i can’t pretend that it isn’t there. So i guess that’s my big belief statement. I almost deleted it because it felt like i was rambling on. I like the little secret part though and God knows i need a giggle symphony right about now.

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