Secrets of the Smile

Secrets of the Smile

I see the pain of everyone, and
I smile at them if their knife is not at my throat

She is glad to have a casual weather worn conversation, but
if she knew how much I was dying inside, she

would run away because
we both are doomed and

she would not want to know
the truth of who I am and
what pain we have in common.

So now I am very old.
To try harder is not possible.
To hope is silly.

All I need is a pile of Gold
and an abode

Maybe much less
would be my ecstasy:

an unending slow motion conversation
with a patient soul who is
quite as silly as I, and
will laugh at my utterly subtle
slow motion joke that is me.

…….

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6 thoughts on “Secrets of the Smile

  1. oh darlin…why do you think the truth of who you are is a bad thing? The pain in common? I say that this is a touchdown of a poem. I’m not much of sports-watcher but i am making baked potato skins for the little one and i to enjoy. We don’t even know which team we are rooting for but the commercials are usually pretty good.
    But back to your words which are beautiful as always. Why would anyone want to run away? You know there is this saying that i’ve heard “the truth can set you free”. I’m not sure where it came from but i think it is completely valid. I also wonder why hope is silly? I also don’t believe that you are a slow motion joke…
    But…beautiful words as always.
    (oh wait, i was just informed that we are rooting for the Giants. I guess since they scored first it might have something to do with that…hehehe)

  2. Thanks. Well, who I am is a wonderful thing, but I never get to express it. I can’t make conversation in person. My perception is that generally people talk and talk and talk without taking a breath, and by the time they stop I’ve forgotten what I wanted to say. Usually,they think what I have to say is not relevant to what they were saying. If I can be calm, have enough time, and can go into elaborate detail, they will see how what I am saying relates to what they are saying. But it takes a lot of energy to articulate what is obvious to me in my thoughts in a second into some explanation that will take several minutes to explain. And then they say, Oh I see how that’s related. But by that time it hasn’t been worth it. It’s like having a war over a misunderstanding and they say, Ooops we’re sorry, but many have died. So after many aspects of myself have died in a war, I say who cares if I won the argument — I don’t want to speak anymore in a Pyrrhic war of words. Just on the evidence, a lifetime of failure would indicate that hope is silly, unless one can be a good stand-up comic. And as they say, “Dying is easy, comedy is hard.” ** ‘dying’ on stage: when no one laughs. I hope, but I have no plan anymore.

    1. I think you’re wonderful! (big grin) Anyway, I know all about conversation problems…sometimes i get all excited about whatever it is i’m rambling on about and whoever it is that i’m talking to at that moment gets this blank stare on their face. But I do like to listen a lot too…sometimes when i have trouble falling asleep i pretend like someone is telling me a story or talking to me. Sometimes the things i imagine are very odd or out of the ordinary and i think that i should write it down but i get to that spinning stage and doze on off and most of the time don’t remember it in the morning. i have good hearing though and am usually pretty good at understanding things, i’d love to listen anytime you feel like talking.

      1. ————————————————————————————–
        dandegirl wrote:
        “… sometimes when i have trouble falling asleep i pretend like someone is telling me a story or talking to me.”
        ————————————————————————————–
        That’s very interesting. Years ago when I was doing meditation exercises I started to pay more attention to day dreams and even waking thoughts that I used to ignore or not give much importance to. I realized that I could commonly remember a melody in my waking imagination which I dismissed as not very useful and trivial as it was much better to listen to an actual recording of music on a cassette player. BUT I discovered that with practice I could imagine a melody in more and more detail and in a more and more complete way: with a complete orchestra. After a lot of practice, I started to ride the train without my cassette player and listened to my imaginary music instead(like a day dream — not a hallucination, i.e. when you’re daydreaming you are very aware that it is not real[so a day dream with sound]). Then I realized what else I could do: I used to read the newspaper and when it quoted a person I had the quote read to me in the voice of the person quoted. But when I stopped practicing, I lost the ability very fast and the music faded to the unuseful level. I guess the loss was from both the lack of practice and the mistake I made telling someone about it who thought it was nuts or silly or both. Hmm, so I’ve done the bed time thing of diving into a dream image, and I see that you do it but with sound.

  3. Whew. This has been an odd week. I have escaped unscathed though, so that’s a good thing. hehe…
    Anyway, sorry i didn’t write back sooner. I think my scatter-brain-ness (not a word?!) is acting up something horrible and on top of that i made some big decisions and stuck with them so that’s pretty big news i suppose…
    But i bet the song you played in your mind was beautiful. Wish i could hear it. I’m glad you don’t think i’m silly for my little admission of night-time comfort. I think it just makes me feel better. Most of the time it’s comforting…i think it’s just a coping mechanism to keep me from feeling so alone all the time or something. (sigh)…i wish i was more normal. I think i’m gonna have another drink.

  4.     Scatterbrainness is OK — I’ve heard that a lot of words that we take for granted today where actually made up by Shakespeare; probably some people during his time said, hey, William, that’s not a real word. It’s also interesting that a negative of a word becomes popular but the original is hardly used. Lots of “unscathed” but not much scathed. The number one meaning for scathe (to harm) has become obsolete.But scathing remarks is still used, and the number 2 for scathe — to denounce fiercely — is still OK. I should try to bring back scathe or scatterscatheness…. But anyway, I’m glad you’re part of the un- crowd.
        Blessings for your big decisions. I bought an elephant and a blue whale. The elephant tried to ride the whale in the big tank but it couldn’t spread its legs wide enough and the whale wouldn’t wear a saddle. However, they both emerged “scatheless” (oddly, that was listed in the dictionary) — a little “un” and a little “less” somehow gives more unless there’s less less or more under the surface. But wait — “under”? — what’s a “der”.

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