The Usual Nightmare on Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas to all from Scrooge

A close call

I’m alive for now. I had a nightmare last night about the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Ghost of Christmas Future. I thought I had died because I saw my tombstone. But Santa left me several lumps of coal. I thought that was good news because my house has been cold like the North Pole, my dog is dead, apparently from a bear attack, and the shingles have been coming off the house with hoof prints.

Oh, yes, the good news: Santa left me some coal that I put in the furnace so the house is nice and warm and toasty. But an inspector from the EPA gAve** me a ticket for polluting, and worse. Despite the ticket, I invited the inspector into the kitchen, gave her a roasted pig and some milk and cookies, whereupon by the power invested in her, she called in to her supervisor to say I had offered her a bribe. Now I have to go to court next week to testify before the Grand Jury, and I have to close down the illegal oil pipeline that I built under my house, even before it’s functional. The animal people may be coming too. I have a reindeer in my kitchen, and a polar bear on the roof. Santa said that if I watched a reindeer for him, he’d bring me a gift next year. The polar bear, uninvited, is making a video of his exploits. Well, actually, Santa wasn’t invited either.

Merry Christmas. I hope you are blessed and find happiness in some corner of where you are. Hope your inner glow is warm, soothing and a tender light. Near or far, or far out, travel well. Compose and be composed, and let the Muse and you be amused with the day and with the dream. Somewhere the stars and the rainbows meet, born in the color of love. Like laughter, Light is light. Ho, ho, ho.
** For the sake of the discussion in the comment section
— Douglas Gilbert


9 thoughts on “The Usual Nightmare on Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas to all from Scrooge

  1. Whew…sounds like quite an ordeal, what a Christmas eve/Christmas dream. Maybe i’m lucky Santa doesn’t like me. I guess we haven’t been on good terms ever since i posted a picture of me giving him a kiss on the cheek on Facebook. I think Mrs. Claus must’ve gotten mad…i mean who blames her. He goes all over the world letting kids and women sit on his lap and tell him the things they want most of all. I’d be jealous too if i was her. But the past few years i have to fill up my own stocking…i don’t even get the acknowledgement that coal brings (giggling).
    Love the story.

    I actually have a suggestion for once! Wow (it’s a Christmas miracle!!) in this sentence I think you meant to use the word ‘gave’. “But an inspector from the EPA give me a ticket”

  2. Thanks. Yeah, I think Santa is fickle when he finds himself in a pickle.
        Oh, yes, thanks for the suggestion — I don’t know how I missed that. The most embarrassing thing I keep doing, and I don’t know why, is to leave out negatives. I mean to say “I’m not sure blah, blah…”, but I type “I’m sure”. And usually it’s a great insult that way. I don’t remember an example, but something along the lines of “I’m not sure you want to say it that way(when it’s an obvious mistake and it makes them look foolish). so somehow I wind up saying,”i know you’re an idiot and I’m glad of it”, when I mean the opposite. All for the loss of a “Not”. And I leave out “don’t” too. I don’t know why when I type fast I think I’ve typed something when I’ve only thought it and not typed it. Well, there’s one odd one I think I’ve figured out: instead of typing “I think I’m a fine fellow”, I type “A think a a fine fellow”[well, usually not that severe]. I think what it is, is that “i” is a single letter that’s a word just like “a” is a single letter and is a word. None of the other letters are words that can stand alone. If it were a self-esteem issue, I would have called myself “it”. I hope I didn’t do a not knot thing somewhere above. Yikes.

    1. I figured it was just a typo that spell check didn’t catch since it wasn’t misspelled but i thought i’d let ya know…i hope i didn’t come off as insulting in the way i pointed it out. If i did, i’m sorry.
      That’s funny and about the a’s in the fine fellow sentence. I do stuff like that all the time when typing. I think i’ve typed a word and then haven’t actually or typed something spell check misses. It’s even worse when i’m trying to actually speak because i can’t proofread or edit it. I say the wrong words or use the wrong tone of voice and all of a sudden someone who i’m just making small talk with thinks i’m coming on to them. Or i could be complimenting someone on something and they think i’m being sarcastic. I guess the people who have been around me the longest have gotten used to it or just know what i mean when i say things because it mostly seems to happen with strangers or people i don’t know very well yet and that makes it even worse…what a way to make an impression huh? Although sometimes i accidentally say really funny things. That’s when i just go along with it and pretend that i really am that funny.

  3. I know what you mean. But your written tone I’ve always found to be positive and supportive. So it’s OK to make suggestions. You’re lucky in a way : when I speak (and can’t edit), I usually only get half way through a sentence before I feel the person desperately trying to get away from me, and I feel them removing their attention which makes it even harder to finish the sentence. Usually, by the time I get half way through a sentence and there’s a pause, they just move on to another subject, and they are not at all curious about what I wanted to say. Or they just turn and walk away while I’m in the middle of something.

  4. Oh, I guess I should add that that was in the good ole’ days when there were no cell phones. Now some people text while they’re ostensibly talking to you. Maybe that’ll be better if they’re expecting 1/2 a sentence, but then, of course, I’d really be talking gibberish. I suppose that’s why I need to be King. “Kneel and be quiet while I talk to myself.”
        “Yes, Your Majesty ”
        “Never mind. Send in the court jester. I need laughter while I’m speaking.”

    1. ugg…i hate, hate, hate when people text while you’re trying to talk to them. I get those people at work. So rude.
      If you ever become King one of your first rules should be ‘no texting while speaking to another person on the basis that it is rude’.

  5. I think everyone has short attention spans these days. I’m guilty of having a touch of the ADD (probably why there’s so many unfinished poems).
    I mean, in the age of having everything at your fingertips in an instant who has the time to listen to a whole sentence (giggling, that WAS meant to be sarcastic).
    Anyway…next time you sense someone drifting off and not paying attention, do something bold or dramatic, surprise them…i don’t know maybe whistle loudly or yell out, start singing a show-tune. Anything just to get their attention and then they’ll be back on the listening track in no time and they’ll realize they’re are amazed by your every word. Even if they’re still not completely into what you’re saying, they’ll think you’re crazy and decide they should keep a closer eye on ya. Either way it works, tadaa instant full attention.

    p.s. you probably should never take that advice, it could get you into trouble… i honestly haven’t tried that since i was a kid and i think i got grounded. hehehe

  6. Hmm, show tunes…. Well I sorta did something like that… I was reading poetry on a street corner very loud over the traffic noise when I overheard a conversation:
         “What’s he doing?”
         “He’s shouting something.”
    And then one of them noticed my sign.

        “Oh, it’s poetry.”

    They never did actually listen to the words. They listened to the magnitude of the sound level. It must be how the birds feel when someone asks, what’s that, and the answer is: oh, that’s just a bird song. Meanwhile, the bird has its five songs: hello, curiosity, fear or danger, mating call… I forget the 5th typical one. Oh, maybe it’s “this is my territory, turn off your cell phone human.”

    1. giggling…i bet that is one of the bird songs.
      I have a bird-feeder that i’ve been keeping filled with seeds. I love watching them hop and fly back and forth from the bird feeder to the deck. They’re so pretty.

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