Contagion Cap And Trade
Because the icebergs of fear are melting rapidly, the World Stealth Organization has proposed limits on breathing. Human exhaling raises the level of carbon dioxide and is the main vector of virus disease. All patrons of gyms will be required to obtain Exhale Credits from sedentary people who stay indoors.
A cap on breathing will be proposed at the next meeting in Geneva on July 4. However, it is recommended that all sedentary people of the hermit class apply for their Certification of Small Mouth Print now. Once that is done, they can write Carbon & Contagion Contracts that can be traded on the stock exchange. These securities can be bought by any person wishing to exercise to offset their Carbon & Contagion Mouth & Foot Print.
— Snerd Lee Limbaugh